Definition: Yield ownership, to relinquish control over what we consider ours
Doubt, questions, fears, uncertainty, anger, curiosity, amazement, love, and rest. These are just some words that can describe what happened in the first three months in Swaziland. I have talked a lot about the wonders and beauty of what God has been doing and talked about how he has impacted me and the squad. But these moments only last for a little bit for me. There were a lot of times when I didn’t see the beauty and the love of God, if I’m being honest most of the time I saw the absence of him within me. In this blog I’m going to talk about some of the things I have struggled with, and some things I’m currently tackling.
Before I left for the race, I was on an amazing spiritual high, hearing and talking to God (I thought), telling my friends about my upcoming adventures, I was feeling excited for the future and for what God had for me. I was telling as many people as I could about what God was doing in my life, and I WAS SO PUMPED ABOUT EVERYTHING. And I thought that on the race this spiritual high would even grow higher and that I would feel this the whole 9 months. I put expectations on God, and I kind of put him in a box, expecting him to do amazing things allllll the time. But I was wrong…
For some reason, here in Swaziland, I have wandered off my walk with the Lord, and I have started to question the very basics of what we believe. Why? Why have I started to doubt things I have never doubted before, why am I starting to question things I should not be questioning?… I have no clue, but for some reason I am… I wrote down a cry for help in my journal last week, here is what it said “Pissed… why is this what I’m feeling during corporate worship? How come every time I’m with you, I leave more mad than I did before? I’m getting mad at myself and mad at you…why? Why now? Is it the enemy or is it me? I’ve never been this low before, and if I’m being honest I’m scared. How do I worship you if I’m mad at you? How do I worship you when I can’t hear from you? This past month, I have been pissed for no reason. God where are you? Why do you seem so far? What now? I’m all out, it’s off my shoulders and placed in your hands. Please do with this as you please. I only ask one thing… as I lay pieces of me down, exchange it with your fire. Please help me build my trust in you…I want you. Son of David, don’t pass me by… I need you.” This was my cry for help and I prayed this over and over… and nothing happened. He didn’t say anything, and I didn’t feel anything. At this point I was tired of it, so I went to leadership about it and to my team. As usual, my team had amazing feedback that helped me a lot, and it was the same for leadership. They helped me realize that everyone has doubts and that everyone has seasons. Unfortunately, I am in a season of confusion, but in this state of confusion, I have learned some amazing things. When I get confused or mad at God I always go to the word and read… I read anything I open up to, or I start reading through psalms and proverbs. And it’s through these readings, I learn more and more about my father and his unending love for us.
After some time tackling this, we narrowed down the issue to refusing to surrender to him. This is something some of the other guys had issues with, so I wasn’t alone. What I realized is, when we surrender to God, we are acknowledging that what we own is his. For he is the giver of all things that are good. By surrendering to him, we admit that he is in control of everything, including our present circumstances. By surrendering to God, we let go of whatever has kept us from him.
The whole idea of surrender has played such a big role in our team, that we decided to write a song about our experiences of learning what it means to surrender. We wanted this to be a worship song, but not follow the normal criteria of other modern-day worship songs. So here’s how we wrote it: There are 4 sections to the song… The verse, bridge, chorus, and outro. Each section portrays a different part of our journey. The song starts off with a slow strumming pattern on the guitar, and the verses talk about our struggles of wanting to surrender but not knowing how. In verse 1, it’s totally not knowing what it means to surrender, but by verse 3 we start to have an understanding. THEN the bridge comes in, you’ll notice there is a different tempo and strumming pattern on the guitar… it feels a little more upbeat. That’s because, if you listen to the words, we are starting to finally understand what it means to surrender. THEN the songs COMPLETLY changes… there will be a complete change to the rhythm of the song when it comes to the chorus. It starts to sound a little like Rend Collective. And in this chorus, we now understand what it means, and we want it more than anything “Yes I surrender.”Then the song finishes with the outro… understand there is much more to learn about surrendering to him. I encourage you, when you listen to the song, pin point where you are with surrendering to him to a section of the song, and worship him no matter where you are.
Verse 1:
I want to surrender I dont know how
My Lord, my God will you show me now
My patience inside is wearing thin
For fear and doubt have chained me in
Help me surrender x4
Verse 2:
Break me down so I can see your face
Tear down my walls, I need your grace
Give me the fullness of your love
I want to worship only you above
I will Surrender x4
Verse 3:
This life you gave cannot be mine
Help it become more like thine
The battle I still have not yet won
My pride I give now to your son
Bridge:
You began a work in me completed
Apart from you there is nothing I can do
Fill up my heart x2
Your promises are true, so I surrender
You fill up my heart x2
You began a work In me completed
Apart from you there is nothing I can do
You fill up my heart x2
Your promises are true, so I surrender
You are my heart x2
Chorus:
Lord now I understand
You hold me in your hands
So I surrender, Yes I surrender
Your love now gives me life
Will take me to great heights
So I surrender, Yes I surrender
X3
Outro:
Stripped away of all my doubts
Still learning what this is all about
I surrender all
Thank you for reading and listening!
Parker, thanks for sharing. I’m grateful for the highs you experience on this journey, and you know why i’m equally grateful for your lows. I’m proud of you for digging deep and not taking the easy way out. Be still and Know that He is God. Love you, pal!
This is solid, Parker. Thanks for being so vulnerable. I like breath prayers to remind me of truths I’m struggling with … in this case something like “I surrender” or “Come Holy Spirit”. Breathe in the prayer, breathe out the frustration, repeat. Doing the hard work is part of what is journey is all about. Keep seeking! Julie (Kate’s mom)
You are the best. That was a beautiful song. I imagine you singing it right now. Come back safe. You are awesome. Thanks Parker
10-4 Parker.
It’s great to hear your voice again my friend.
Thanks for being honest. Sometimes renewal is not fun or easy. His love is like a refiners fire.
Being refined by fire is not a plesurable experience, but the pureness of what is produced is eternal I will be praying for you Bro. Persevere
Love you. miss you.
See you in a MONTH!!!
LOVE THIS SONG. Thanks for putting it together and sharing it. And I love the journey you’ve been on. It can be hard and frustrating, but this is also where faith grows. Call Austin and I, if you ever need to.
Love this song! And your desire to surrender and grow. Thanks for being vulnerable.
Wow! I love and appreciate the transparency. This is the way you connect to others and help them grow toward Him. Relationships begin with “me too” and that’s what makes this world a better place. And wow, your voice is so pure and I love the way you break down and explain the lyrics. Thank you.
Wow, wow, wow….. I am so thankful that you are walking this journey! This song/cry is beautiful! So needed…. so sweet…. thank you!